Ian is 12 weeks old yesterday. Things have gone really wonky at home:
1) My in-laws are coming this saturday so we are excited and nervous. I have never spent more than a few hours at a time with them and they are staying for the week.
2) My boss at work just took me to lunch to pretty much drop the bomb that they are going to be making me a "key person" on a job that has at least 1 16 hour day a week for 16 weeks starting in June so I have to get a sitter and say goodbye to sleep.
3) My minion at work has said she either wants to be trained to do other things or she is going to find a new job so now we have to hire me a new minion and I have to train all over again.
4) Daddy and I are having some problems with the division of labor around the house. We are both full time working parents and the only one watching the baby when the other is at work. There are some things at the house that need to be done just to make the world turn and I am finding that the to-do list for each of us is not nearly equal. I am running constantly. I get up at 5 (now closer to 4:30) rush around pumping, getting ready for work, eating and getting out the door. I work all day and come home around 2 having to hit the ground running taking care of Ian because Daddy has to go to work. Ian and I work around the house, try to play some and then once I put him to bed I have about an hour to get anything else I need to get done accomplished so I can go to bed. Most nights I end up going to bed late so even though Ian is sleeping through the night I am still sleep deprived.
5) and to top it all off, what concerns me the most is that the day before yesterday Ian started refusing the breast. He has always been a good nurser. He has been on breastmilk bottles since 6 weeks when I am at work. He normally nurses fine when I am around. For some reason the day before yesterday he decided that he didn't want me, he wanted the bottle. The only way I could get him to nurse was to essentially stick my nipple in his mouth, squirt breastmilk from the bottle down me into his mouth and wait for him to stop screaming...then he would latch on and suck. I had to do this at every feeding. I am really concerned because I LOVE breastfeeding him and I don't want my supply to go down due to lack of use but I don't want to be tied to my pump and only give him bottles. When I feed him that is the only real quiet "Mommy & Ian time" we get.
I tried to talk to my mom about it and all I got was "well I wouldn't worry about it if I were you." It was as if she couldn't understand how upsetting it is for me even though I TOLD her.
I am also afraid that I might be getting a little ppd. I am crying all the time and it seems like when I talk to people about my problems with work and at home I either get lectured on how I am doing it wrong, or I am being told it is no big deal so I shouldn't worry. I start feeling like I can't tell anybody anything so I just say "no everything is great" and I just bottle it all up. That scares me.
I am trying to find the time for the things I want to do so I don't lose my mind but it is not happening and all I get from Daddy is "well just make time for it and stop doing other things." What do I cut out? eating? sleeping? I already don't clean but once a month maybe. I do laundry but I really don't mind that. Do I cut out paying bills? buying groceries? What else is it that I do that I can cut out other than fun stuff? We can't afford for me to quit because his company is closing. I am the only one with a steady job. And now with Ian not wanting to nurse I start feeling like I am being a bad mother too! Nothing in my diet has changed so the taste doesn't seem to be it. The only thing I can think of is that he has gotten lazy and doesn't like waiting for me to let down but I let down really fast usually.
I honestly just don't know what to do about all of it. I am doing everything I can but it just doesn't seem like enough. The only good thing that has really happened was that I got on the scale this morning. I lost another 3 pounds this week. I have now officially lost 42 pregnancy pounds. I now have 40 more to get to where I was before my miscarriage last year. I am half way there and I weigh less than Daddy again!
Edited to add: And there is a strange smell coming from my fridge. We have cleaned it out, made sure all the food in there is good and still the smell is there. It just won't go away and we can't figure out what it is.